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Information for Families & Friends

Intimate partner violence, also known as domestic violence, can include physical, psychological, emotional, verbal, financial, sexual, and spiritual abuse; excessive jealousy and control; harassment after separation; and murder. Anyone can be a victim of abuse, regardless of ethnic background, age, gender, sexual orientation, disabilities, religion, marital, financial, or employment status. Abuse rarely occurs only once.

When someone you care about is being abused, it hurts you too. It is hard to know what to do and say.

Some people may suspect that abuse is happening in a friend or family member’s relationship, but do not know what to look for. Others are fearful of getting involved because they do not know what to do if the person discloses abuse in their relationship or are afraid that they may put themselves at risk.

WHAT TO LOOK FOR:

  • Has the person shown signs of being anxious, depressed, or withdrawn?
  • Are they using unhealthy behaviours, like increased substance use, to deal with stress related to the relationship?
  • Have you seen unexplained physical injuries?
  • Are they more isolated? For example, are they no longer able to visit with friends and family?
  • Do they make excuses for their partners behaviour?
  • Does the partner try to control what the person does? For example, what they wear, where they go, who they talk to, or if they can have a job.

Ask them about concerning warning signs that you have seen. Do not jump to conclusions. Tell them that you care about them, and are concerned. Make your belief and support known to them. Do not tell them what to do.

SAFETY IS THE FIRST PRIORITY:

  • If they have experienced physical violence, including choking/strangulation; stalking; harassment; confinement; or threats, ask if they wish to report the behaviour to the City Police or RCMP. Protective orders may be available. You can offer to accompany them or to arrange for an escort through a local domestic shelter or service.
  • If you know or suspect that the children are being exposed to violence, you have an obligation to report to Social Services and/or the police.
  • If they wish, help them to find a shelter or domestic violence counselling program. Agencies and organizations that can help are listed on our website under the Get Help Now button and on the Abuse Help Lines page in the front of your Direct West phone book.

Call 911 if you feel yourself or someone else is in immediate danger. You have an obligation to report if children are at risk.

BE SUPPORTIVE AND WILLING TO LISTEN:

  • Let them know that you believe what they have told you.
  • Let them know that you are there for them and you are willing to listen, if they want to talk. Allow them to say as much or as little as they want.
  • No matter how tempting it is to bad–mouth their partner, stop yourself. Many people do not want the relationship to end, they just want the abuse to stop.

Be attentive, non-judgmental, and believe what they say. Tell them you care, and show you are willing to help. Keep anything they tell you confidential, unless it is essential to share this information for safety reasons.

ALLOW THE PERSON TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS:

A person who has been abused may come to believe that they have no control in their life and no ability to make decisions. To help the person feel more confident and regain control:

  • Let them know that there are no simple solutions but that change is possible. The first step is to look after their safety.
  • Let them know that there are different options available, such as domestic violence shelters and counselling services, that can provide risk assessment and assist with safety planning.
  • Allow them to decide which option is best.
  • Let the person know that you will stand by them no matter what they decide.

Find out what services and supports are available in your local area. The better informed you are, the better you will be able to help. Be supportive, even if the decisions they make are different from the ones you might make.

TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO IS USING VIOLENCE:

People who use violence in relationships also need support and intervention:

  • Ensure you have the time to talk and a private location to talk in.
  • Approach them when they are calm.
  • Be direct and clear about what you have seen and heard.
  • Avoid making judgmental comments about them as a person.
  • Do not validate any attempt to blame others for their behaviour.
  • Tell them you are concerned for them, and the safety of their partner and children.
  • Don’t be confrontational.

Individuals who are abusive will often minimize the impact and deny that they have done anything wrong. They may state that it isn’t that bad or blame the victim for their actions. This type of behaviour deflects their own responsibility for their actions.

Keep your conversation focused on your concerns for their partner/family’s safety and well–being.

Keep the lines of communication open, and look for opportunities to help them find support. Call 911 if you feel yourself or someone else is in immediate danger.

TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF:

Helping a friend or family member who is experiencing intimate partner violence can be difficult. You need to look after your own physical and emotional well–being.

  • Counsellors or natural/informal supports can help you manage your feelings, fears, frustrations, and reactions to the abuse. Counsellors often assist individuals whose friends and family members are being abused. Remember not to identify the person who is at risk

There are no simple, easy solutions. Only the individual using violence is responsible for the abuse. It is up to person who is experiencing abuse to make their own choices.

Click here to read more about intimate partner violence.